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The most wacky season in recent memory continued its bizarre ways on Sunday, when the San Diego Chargers vaulted to the top of the AFC West, powered by a defense that could drive back Norman Swartzkopf. The Chargers haven't allowed a 100-yard rusher since Terry Bradshaw had hair. Speaking of hair, Chargers linebacker Junior Seau, who dyed his hair gold after losing a bet to kicker John Carney, looked so frightening, Seahawks players spent most of their time in the huddle praying. After one vicious hit from Seau, quarterback Jon Kitna was heard to exclaim, "Dear God, who the devil was that?"

TWEETY BIRD: As expected, the Atlanta Falcons did the "Tweety bird" dance after the Rams smacked them 41-13. It was the third 28-point victory for the undefeated Rams this season. Defensive end Grant Wistrom intercepted a pass and "rushed" for 91 yards, looking smoother than Marshall Faulk. Almost every Ram has scored this season, except the poor punter Rick Tuten. Dick Vermeil has promised Tuten he'll get a chance to score, perhaps this Sunday, when the Rams roast, I mean host, the Cleveland Browns.

MAN OF SUBSTANCE: In an effort to keep the Rams from embarrassing the Browns and other teams, the NFL suspended Rams receiver Tony Horne for four games. Horne was apparently guilty of substance abuse, proving it by returning kickoffs for touchdowns in each of the last two games. The Falcons and Niners have not yet decided whether to ask the NFL to erase Horne's touchdowns, which would turn their blowout losses into mere thrashings.

EAGLES RISE: The Philadelphia Eagles aren't yet soaring, but they flew high enough Sunday to nip the Bears in their behinds. By winning their second straight game, the Eagles proved they're not the worst team in the league. That title belongs to the expansion Browns, though by December, in the spirit of Christmas, they may donate it to the Bengals.

SAINT DITKA: Poor Mike Ditka. The New Orleans Saints coach was fined $20,000 for two gestures to fans on Sunday that the team considered downright unsaintly. But though he won't admit it, Iron Mike was just trying to answer the fans' questions. A fan asked Ditka what the Saints' record was and Ditka showed the fan a finger, his way of saying four down and one up. Then a fan asked Ditka if he was a real man and the coach grabbed his crotch just to make sure.

RUSHING TO THE LOCKERROOM: Ditka, once considered a coaching genius by a few people in New Orleans -- people who are now preparing for the next home game by cutting eye holes in paper bags, made perhaps the most featherbrained call on Sunday. With 12 seconds to go in the first half and the ball on the Titans' one yard line, Ditka (or one of his assistants) called a running play, though the Saints were out of timeouts. Runningback Ricky Williams, who's averaging 3.3 yards a carry, was stuffed and the clock ran out. Ricky may have won the Heisman, but he's now running like Joe Theisman. The only way he's going to make money from his incentive clauses is if he starts bribing the NFL's statisticians.

BRAIN DRAIN PART 2: New York Giants coach Jim Fassel, whose high-octane offense scored two field goals, doubling its previous week's output, almost matched Ditka's genius. With a few seconds to go in Monday night's game against the Cowboys, Fassel elected to kick the ball to Deion Sanders. The Cowboys scored a touchdown, but it was nullified because Deion's lateral went forward. Meanwhile, the Giants team doctor, baffled by Fassel's call, is examining the coach for a possible concussion.

JAY WHO?: Jacksonville's backup quarterback, Jay Fiedler, led the Jags to a come-from-behind 24-7 victory over the Browns after Mark Brunell was injured. Fiedler was one of several backups to play Sunday, after the starters suffered injuries (Batch, Plummer, Brunell and Marino), threw the ball to the other team (Cunningham) or threw the ball to the moon (Mirer). Miami's second stringer Damon Huard was spectacular. In a single 25-yard scramble, Huard eclipsed Marino's career rushing total. Or so it seemed. Cunningham suffered the ultimate embarrassment, losing his starting job to Jeff George, who has a great arm but as much tact as a beer can. George will soon be screaming at his receivers, insulting his linemen and demanding a trade. And some team will probably give up a conditional draft pick for him, the condition being whether or not he brings along his brain.

GALLOWAY STAYS PUT: As Tuesday's trading deadline approached, Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren vowed not to trade holdout receiver Joey Galloway, triggering a roar of cheers from the fans of the Ohio Valley Flag Football League. Galloway refuses to play for the Seahawks unless they pay him a salary worthy of the best receiver in the league. He gained only 1,047 yards in 1998, but those numbers are deceptive, because Galloway is obviously dyslexic.