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NFL OUTSIDER: News and Views to Amuse
By Melvin Durai

Fourteen weeks of exciting football have produced four kinds of teams:

(1) The Definite Contender: The Rams, Buccaneers, Colts, Titans and Jaguars fall into this category. They're playing for playoff position and their fans are dreaming about the Super Bowl in Atlanta. If any of them don't make the postseason, it would be the biggest collapse since Pamela Lee lost her implants.

(2) The Sliders and Climbers: This category includes the Bills, Dolphins, Patriots, Chiefs, Seahawks, Redskins, Giants, Cowboys, Lions, Vikings, and Packers. These teams are on the bubble -- and not the kind that Pamela lost. Some, like the Seahawks and Dolphins, are sliding so fast, they're beginning to resemble the Saints. Others, like the Chiefs and Redskins, are surging and could claim division titles. Half of these teams will watch the playoffs at home, while the other half will be praying they don't run into the Rams and Colts.

(3) The Hopeful: The Ravens, Raiders, Chargers, Cardinals and Panthers were once out of it, but a few wins (and losses by other teams) have put them back in contention -- barely. The schedule favors the Ravens and Panthers, who just need to show up to beat the Niners, Saints, Bengals and others. If the Ravens make the playoffs, fans may have to endure a terrible sight: Art Modell kissing Brian Billick. Are the playoffs really worth it?

(4) The Dreadful: The Browns, Bengals, Jets, Steelers, Broncos, Eagles, Bears, Niners, Falcons and Saints. These teams are playing for pride and the opportunity to draft Peter Warrick. Half of these teams will watch the playoffs at home, while the other half will watch at a bar. At least two head coaches, Bruce Coslet and Mike Ditka, will probably be fired, which means we'll soon have to suffer through their football commentary. Somehow, they always seem smarter on television.

WYCHE REMEMBERS: The Seahawks are trying to break the NFL's longest playoff drought. Their last appearance was in 1988 when they lost to Sam Wyche's Cincinnati Bengals. So guess what? Whenever Wyche is an analyst for a Seahawk game, viewers are treated to a few scenes from that game, as Wyche recalls the good old days when he could coach. Wyche has reason to be proud. He took the Bengals to the Super Bowl, while Dave Shula and Bruce Coslet have only taken them to Burger King.

MAD MARINO: Dan Marino apologized last week for his angry reply and quick exit when a reporter asked him how it felt to watch the Colts kick the winning field goal in the recent Miami loss. "These questions are ridiculous ...," Marino had retorted before storming away. If the Dolphins lose to the Chargers, reporters had better brace themselves before asking the all-important question: "Hey Dan, what does it feel like to watch your last shot at the Super Bowl slip away?" Perhaps the NFL should urge reporters to submit such questions only by fax.

POOR BUBBY: Bubby Brister, Denver's backup quarterback, estimates that he lost about $1.5 million in incentives and endorsement deals when he was benched in favor of Brian Griese. A Denver dealer even asked Brister to return two pickup trucks worth $75,000. "I don't want people to feel sorry for me," Bubby told the Associated Press. "Everything's good with me in the big, bad world." The big, bad world? Hey Bubby, who have you been hanging with? O.J. Simpson?

KING OF THE BUCS: Rookie quarterback Shaun King has led the Bucs to the top of the NFC Central, playing with so much poise that fans are asking an important question: "Trent who?" It's the same question that Rams fans have asked since journeyman quarterback Kurt Warner propelled them to a division title. Without the two Trents, Dilfer and Green, the Bucs and Rams are soaring. Which means the agents of the Trents may soon be asking another question: "Saints or Steelers?"

BEE GEES REVIVAL: After upsetting the Seahawks in Seattle, Chargers quarterback Jim Harbaugh talked about the team's playoff chances. "We wanted to win out," he said. "We've won two. Like the Bee Gees said, we're staying alive." Hey Jim, you play Miami, Oakland and Denver. The Bee Gees also produced a song called Jive Talkin'.

GIANT MARCH: Former Penn State quarterback Kerry Collins has regained his old form and sparked the Giants to a winning record. On Sunday, he led them to an upset win over the Bills and the week before he passed for 341 yards as they trounced the Jets. The Giants have a bright future, as long as they can keep Collins from participating in a hobby that's immensely popular at Penn State: drinking. Why do you think they call it Happy Valley?