From the Archives

I'd like to introduce you to a terrific Seahawk fan who's been a friend of mine for a few years now! Melvin Durai is a humor columnist from Pennsylvania. In 1999, he started writing an NFL humor column in addition to his weekly humor column. He's given me permission to post his column right here!! It's exciting for me to be able to do this as I've enjoyed Melvin's work for several years. It's great that he expanded his writing to include NFL reports! I hope you enjoy his writing as much as I did as the 1999 season progressed!

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NFL OUTSIDER: News and Views to Amuse
By Melvin Durai

Four weeks already? Someone slow the season down please! Itís moving faster than Terry Glenn through a group of Cleveland Browns. Speaking of Glenn, no one in the history of the world has undergone a more dramatic sex change. Just a few years ago, the Patriots wide receiver was "she" to Bill Parcells and now heís "THE MAN." After gaining 214 yards against the Browns in Week 4, Glenn faxed a letter to the commissioner, saying: "I agree with you, Tags. Expansion teams are good for the league!"

The commish responded a few days later by awarding an expansion team to Houston, which had lost the Oilers to Tennessee. Donít be surprised if their first opponent in 2002 is New England.

NFL owners picked Houston over favorite Los Angeles partly because they were impressed with new owner Bob McNairís determination. Especially since he was determined to give them $700 million. For that kind of money, the owners would be willing to award a franchise to Belgrade. Perhaps even Teheran and Havana.

Los Angeles, meanwhile, is looking to steal a team from another city. New Orleans, Arizona, Buffalo and Minnesota look vulnerable. Thereís also the possibility that Al Davis will move the Raiders back to LA, especially if he forgets to take his medication.

The owners also decided to realign the league to eight divisions of four teams each. Houston will join the AFC and an AFC team will move to the NFC. The Seahawks are the most likely team to move, partly because they havenít developed any major rivalries and partly because they are tired of losing to the Broncos. Another probability: New England will be placed in the same division as Cleveland and Houston. And Terry Glenn will immediately be eligible for the Hall of Fame.

Hereís a quick look at the first quarter of the season:

INSTANT REPLAY: It has worked well so far and is one of the reasons the New York Jets havenít scored as many touchdowns as in 1998. Another reason is the season-ending injury to Vinny Testaverde, which wouldnít have been so bad if the Jets still had Glenn Foley. But the Seahawks have Foley and the Jets have former Seahawk Rick Mirer, which needless to say means that Bill Parcells will have to really restrain himself to keep from using the "she" word again.

INJURIES: Testaverde isnít the only high-profile player whoís been sidelined. Terrell Davis, Jamal Anderson and Trent Green are among many recovering from injuries. Lions receiver Herman Moore, meanwhile, hopes to return in Week 5 against the Chargers. Said Moore: "The only negative is that it's going to be a turf game (in Detroit). I can tell right now the planting and cutting is going to be a big problem." And I thought planting and cutting was something you did with grass.

BENCH-WARMER STARS: Players like Rams quarterback Kurt Warner and the Redskins runningback Stephen Davis have emerged as stars this year after spending a large part of the 1998 season on the bench. Makes you wonder which other potential stars are sitting on the bench, praying for the artificial turf to reach out and injure someone. Warner, a journeyman, is the comeback player of the year. His career looked finished in the late 1980s, when he retired after setting team records in rushing for the Seahawks. Wait a minute -- that was CURT Warner (who also wore the Rams uniform briefly). Anyway, this Warner has single-handedly saved Dick Vermeilís job. And thanks to Davis, Redskins coach Norv Turner was spotted doing the unthinkable last week: smiling.

SURPRISE TEAMS: The Rams and the Redskins are the pleasant surprises of the year. The star-studded Rams are crushing opponents. They made the Ravens look like an expansion team, the Falcons a college team, and the Bengals a kindergarten team. The Redskins have the top-ranked offense and are scoring more often than Bill Clinton. Brad Johnson looks like the top acquisition of 1999. Unfortunately, the Skins also have the leagueís most porous defense, even allowing Rick Mirer to score. If the Rams and Redskins meet in the playoffs, the score will be: Rams 78, Redskins 82.

FLOPS: The Broncos and Falcons, who met in the Super Bowl in January, are a combined 0-8. Of course, theyíve taken major hits at quarterback and runningback. In the next four weeks, the Elway-less Broncos play Oakland, Green Bay, New England and Minnesota, and could go 0-8, especially since they have an unenviable choice at quarterback: The "rookie" or The Bubby. The Bengals are 0-4, but relief is in sight: they play the Browns in Week 5, so you can expect them to finish the season with at least a tie.

GALLOWAY UPDATE: Taking a cue from Keyshawn Johnson, holdout receiver Joey Galloway is working on an autobiography called "Just give me the damn money." Unfortunately for Galloway, the Seahawks are winning without him. The team withdrew a $35 million offer to Galloway, after head coach Mike Holmgren sternly reminded him that McDonalds pays only $5.15 an hour. Galloway took exception to this, insisting he would at least make $5.50.