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The football season is only about a third over and several teams are already out of the playoff race. Among them are two of last year's conference finalists, the New York Jets and Atlanta Falcons, both 1-6 and joining a race for another big prize: Peter Warrick. But they're likely to lose to the expansion Cleveland Browns, who are so certain of drafting the Florida State wide receiver, they've already installed extra locks on the other players' lockers.

GIANT EXPLOSION: The New York Giants discovered their offense against the New Orleans Saints, scoring a whopping 31 points and eclipsing their season-high of 3. Or was it 6? The Giants offense looked so good that Saints coach Mike Ditka was heard muttering during the game: "Who do they think they are? The Rams?" But he refrained from grabbing his crotch or waving his middle finger, mostly because his hands were busy choking his defensive coordinator. The only bright spot for the Saints was the running of Ricky Williams, who gained 111 yards on 24 carries and now needs to average only 269 yards a game to achieve his incentive bonuses. Meanwhile, Giants punter Brad Maynard is disappointed about the newfound offense, because he won't be getting any more game balls.

DEFENSIVE STUDS: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers scored only 6 points against the Chicago Bears, but still managed to win. The Bucs are 3-3 largely because of a defense that's almost as scary as the '85 Bears. But they won't be doing the Super Bowl shuffle anytime soon, because their offense is almost as scary as the '92 Seahawks. The offense has been so inept that Tony Dungy has considered punting on first down. That way, there won't be any interceptions or fumbles. And Warren Sapp will have more time to do his sack dance.

CARDIAC PATS: The Massachusetts state health department issued a warning this week: Football fans with heart conditions are advised not to watch the New England Patriots. All but one of the Patriots games have come down to the wire, decided by three points or fewer. Fans have been so nervous during games, the lines to use the bathroom at Foxboro Stadium have been longer than the lines for beer.

BROWN MAGIC: Oakland Raiders wideout Tim Brown isn't flashy, but he's as consistent as a good beer. Sunday, against the Jets, he caught 12 passes for 213 yards, helping the Raiders overcome a 17-point deficit. While several recent Heisman Trophy winners have been busts, Brown is quietly turning himself into another kind of bust - a permanent one in Canton.

SEASON OF COMEBACKS: The Raiders are one of several teams that have made impressive comebacks this season. Four have erased 21-point deficits. The Washington Redskins lost a 21-point lead to the Dallas Cowboys on opening day and overcame a 21-point deficit against the Carolina Panthers. There've been so many comebacks this season that the ever-optimistic fans of the Cincinnati Bengals have stopped leaving games at halftime.

FLUTIE FAKES: Seattle Seahawks All-Pro defensive end Michael Sinclair sacked Buffalo Bills quarterback Doug Flutie only once Sunday, but came close two other times, only to be left grabbing air. The elusive Flutie led the Bills in passing, rushing and jumping. "Ah, man is he slippery," said Sinclair, who plans to make himself much faster by next week, having stocked up on Flutie Flakes.

PACK IS BACK: The Green Bay Packers, fresh off a surprisingly easy win in San Diego, are eagerly awaiting the return of Mike Holmgren next Monday. It will be a big game for the Seahawks, who haven't been on Monday Night Football since the NFL introduced helmets. Even holdout receiver Joey Galloway is tempted to play. In his entire football career, Galloway has never seen any action on a Monday, unless you count that night in a Seattle motel.

FURIOUS OWNER: After Sunday's 38-20 loss to the Dallas Cowboys, Redskins owner Daniel Snyder met for 30 minutes behind closed doors with head coach Norv Turner. It's not clear what the two men discussed, but it probably wasn't a contract extension for Turner. A few more losses like this and Turner will soon be working for ESPN. And probably assigned to Division III games. Turner allowed the Cowboys to ice the game by punting to Deion Sanders, who had returned to the game after suffering a first-quarter injury. "I thought he had a concussion," Turner said later. "I was hoping he would run the wrong way."

REAL FOOTBALL: Former South African president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela attended the Cowboys-Redskins football game and quickly discovered that American football is very different from the football played in South Africa. "This is definitely a better sport," Mandela said, smiling throughout the game. "In South Africa, we don't have any cheerleaders."

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Melvin Durai is a Shippensburg, Pa.-based writer and humorist. A longtime fan of the NFL, he believes that man’s greatest invention, other than the remote control, is the satellite dish.

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